Tips + Tricks for Dealing with Tricky People: Thanksgiving Edition

Turkey day is nearly upon us. And with all the pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, and football comes...the people.

Some easy. Some tricky.

And we're supposed to be grateful. Heck, it's Thanksgiving. But loving family can be hard. Really. Really. Hard.

In case you're feeling alone in the wild fam department, the truth is we all got 'em. No one's got a monopoly on the dysfunctional family market.

And while we can laugh and joke and maybe cry, we don't want to leave you with just memes for sanity this holiday season. We want to give you something a little more robust.

The following list was designed to help you minimize your crashouts this Thursday.

*Holy Spirit Required for Any Strength Whatsoever

And with expectations calibrated appropriately, let's get to it.

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01/ Remember, it is impossible to change another person.

There may be infuriating behavior or toxic mindsets in someone you’re trying to love, but you’re not going to be able to love them into behaving functionally. It ain’t Disney out here. They’re going to be themselves, and the only person you can control is you.

02/ Realistically, big relationship problems aren't solvable over a single holiday.

Even if you have a breakthrough conversation or it feels like God opens a door to connect in a new way, be patient with the process. Don’t try to heal the whole thing in a few days. For one, it’s not realistic. And second, when you try to force that kind of change, you end up trying to control the process. And that may damage it all over again.

03/ If you're losing your mind, get back in your body.

Go for a walk. Toss a football. Nap. Push kiddos on swings. Heck, volunteer to grab the forgotten ingredient from the store and walk up and down the aisles—even if it’s just a gas station. Moving your body will help your nervous system calm down and get you out of your head.

04/ Know that some emotions you are going to have to process after Thanksgiving.

There’s a lot of emphasis in the mental-health world on feeling your emotions as they happen, “In real time,” as the phrase goes. And while that’s ideal, depending on your Thanksgiving situation, that may not be possible, helpful, or even safe. Processing feelings in the moment is the goal, but you may still have some unpacking to do once the holiday is over. And you didn’t fail. That’s just how it goes.

05/ Celebrations often bring up grief – and that's not the same thing as being ungrateful.

In unhealthy families, grief is often mistaken for ingratitude. And while this is a heart space to investigate with the Lord, know that he knows the difference between a hurting heart and an entitled one. You can hold space for both grief and gratitude. They’re not opposed to each other.

06/ When time is tight, read Proverbs or Psalms.

In the flurry of the holidays, it can be hard to squeeze in extended Bible reading. I usually turn to Psalms and Proverbs when the schedule gets crazy. Proverbs offers practical wisdom, and Psalms meets us in the emotional spaces we can all relate to.

For example. There's a very helpful Proverb that we could appropriately apply to the concept of frying turkeys.

Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. (Proverbs 19:2 ESV)

Just sayin.

07/ Curiosity is an antidote to offense.

One of our favorite podcasters, Tim Ross, often says that curiosity and offense are incompatible. When in doubt, when a conversation goes sideways, ask questions. Even if you completely disagree, make it a personal challenge to understand how this “tricky person” arrived at their perspective. Full-on Sherlock Holmes mode, as necessary.

08/ Minimize interactions with tricky people.

Stay ahead of the game by reducing the amount of time you spend with a tricky person. Once your nervous system is activated, it can be hard to settle it down. Sometimes it’s really difficult to get away, but take any little opportunities you can to reset, rest, and recharge.

09/ Remember, your value is not on the line.

We all want to be valued by the people closest to us. But sometimes, the people with the most proximity are the ones who are most blind. If your sense of worth is tied to the opinions of those you see this week, you’re in for a bumpy ride. Slow down and remember who actually gives you your value…Yahweh. That’s much better news, isn’t it?

10/ When in doubt, make muffins.

Muffins are magic. Tricky people love them. Easy people love them. They’re relatively simple to bake, and they can be the perfect reset activity to give you something to do in the midst of all the holiday activity.

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Bonus Section:

You survived the muppet gifs. Congrats.

On a theological note, I want to encourage you that God can do a lot with your dysfunctional squad. Sometimes we shy away from acknowledging how messy families were in Scripture out of “respect” for them. But one downside of sugar-coating the stories is that we don’t see any hope for our messy family stories happening right now.

Let’s take a quick inventory:

• Adam and Eve: That was a messy marriage.

• Cain and Abel: Some sketchy sibling dynamics, to say the least.

Skip a few generations, and we get to:

• Rachel and Leah: Freaking yikes.

• Joseph and his brothers: .........

• Moses and the Israelites: A whole saga.

You get the point. But let's even take a look at Jesus.

• Siblings didn’t believe he was the Messiah at first.

• Joseph (his earthly father) passes away before his recorded ministry in the gospels.

• He’s probably mistaken for—literally—a bastard child. And there’s no way his human extended family didn’t have something to say about that. Or his cousin John out in the wilderness.

So, if you’re feeling the panic as we head into Thursday, thinking your family is “too far gone,” breathe deep. God is not overwhelmed. Some relationships and dynamics may not be fixed on this side of the grave.

But zoom out:

If it is not good, it is not the end.

He's still writing the story.