The Art of Going First: How to Build Community from the Ground Up

What do you do when you don’t got no people?

(Or grammar.) But anyways.

If you haven’t felt the pains of an absent community, bravo! Genuinely. That's amazing. I’m going to hedge my bets though and say most of you reading this have felt the absence. I know I have. And in my case, it lasted for years and years.

Some of us "inherit" community, so to speak. We're born into large families, plugged into churches, schools, activities, etc., and people are everywhere. Others of us had community for a time, and lost it. And still others of us have never experienced it to begin with.

We all approach community differently based on personality, background, and opportunity. Yet, chances are high that at some point in life, whether it's because of a move, a church split, family drama, etc. we'll find ourselves needing to build community from scratch.

And that can feel overwhelming.

Hence this post.

Because you're not alone.

You're not an alien.

And there is a way forward.

Let's get into how to build community from the ground up.

My thesis: It requires the art of going first.

A few key personal factors before we get started...

I’m:

• Introverted

• Relatively organized (at least when it comes to showing up to things on time)

• Someone who loves deep connection

• Someone who struggles with small talk

• Someone who wants to feel a sense of purpose when connecting

• Can get overwhelmed by highly stimulating or loud environments

• Don’t need a lot of people to feel my connection needs get met

You may be different. That’s why I’m putting this list front and center so you can contextualize the rest of the post and make adjustments for your wiring as needed.

We’re going to stay super super practical in the rest of this post. 

But here’s a quick theological anchor point:

We Were Designed for People

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone." (Genesis 1:18a NIV)

We see this in Genesis. And then we see Jesus also surround himself with people. He was not a lone wolf Messiah.

So yes. We need people.

Now the billion dollar question: How do you find them?

Cue Our Title: The Art of Going First.

I hate going first.

I hate raising my hand in groups.

I hate being picked as a volunteer to show others how to do something.

I hate sitting in the front row.

It’s not my thing, by default.

And yet when my loneliness reached a snapping point in my early twenties, I realized, “Something’s gotta give.”

Because the reality was nobody else was going first. Nobody else was crossing the room to start a conversation. Nobody else was offering a number and suggesting a coffee hangout. Nobody else was starting community. 

And I could either stick to my introverted strategy and stay lonely, or I could get the nerve to go first.

When You Try to Go First...

Here’s what going first tends to bring up (if it’s not your thing):

• Toxic/unhealthy ideas about yourself – usually in the form of excuses for why it wouldn’t work.

• Control issues – if I go first, I want to be able to ensure the outcome is XYZ.

• Vulnerability – it’s uncomfortable to go first and put yourself out there

• Boundary issues – sometimes we don’t go first because we want to make sure the person we approach will be perfect, safe, etc. And I’m all for discernment around here. But part of why you approach IS TO GATHER DATA. Turns out watching quietly from across the room will not give you all the data you need. Mind reading ain’t it either. (My inner old church lady is coming out, so y’all bear with me.) 

• Fear / shame – these two seem to waltz into our souls the minute we’re like, “I’m going to say hi.” And church lady here again, you gotta push through it anyway. 

Please Hold for a Caveat

Some fear and shame and discomfort is discernment about someone being unhealthy. And that shouldn’t be ignored. But is it unreasonable fear or a legitimate signal to not approach?

Zat is de question.

Here are some specific questions to help tease out what’s happening. (Note: this is not a comprehensive list. It’s a starting point):

• Is your fear primarily focused on them or about how you think they’ll receive you? (If it’s completely self-focused, chances are higher it’s a "you problem". If you’re scared of them, listen to that and move with caution.)

• What’s their reputation? Are they liked? Disliked? And by whom? Note that narcissistic personalities can be highly liked and adored by people who have only experienced a pleasant side of them. If they leave a ton of skeletons or wrecked relationships with no resolution in their wake, move with caution (even if they position themselves as the victim).

• If you introduced this person to other mature people you respect and trust, what would their reaction be? Would they be concerned, intrigued, protective, excited? This can be a helpful way to gauge a person's safety.

• Are you afraid of looking like an idiot? That’s a fear to push through. And yes, it’s essentially a redundant follow up to bullet point one, but I'm hitting it again because it's our most typical excuse in its purest form.

Quick note for our folks who've experienced betrayal, manipulation, or abuse...

That experience was not a good time, was it? 

Been there. It can leave you feeling very shaken in your ability to identify healthy people and trust others.

This was my personal experience. In the wake of falling for the “antics” of a highly unhealthy person, I straight up stopped approaching people. I had coached myself into new hacks to get around my introversion to meet people, and all that imploded after one painful relationship with an unhealthy person.

Maybe you’ve felt the same.

I do think, honestly, the topic of community is more complicated for people like us who have experienced unhealthy relationship dynamics, abuse, and betrayal. And by complicated, I don’t mean impossible. At all. But chances are higher that your internal barriers to developing community, especially by going first, may be tricky to navigate.

You’re the folks who don’t trust easily. Life didn’t let you do that. And you’re the crew that needs to figure out how to get out of your concrete bunker. You're not off the hook because of the past.

Depending on the severity of what you experienced, it may be helpful to loop in a therapist. Here’s what I’ll say: look for a trauma therapist, someone specializing in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing). Don't worry, it’s not hypnosis. You’re not channeling spirits or doing anything wonky. It’s a way of calming your normally heightened nervous system so you can sort through a memory.

For an explanation of EMDR, check out this video.

Julz interrupts our regularly scheduled programming with a personal note on EMDR – It is absolutely worth it! If you're struggling to process trauma and the emotions attached to it, please consider EMDR. And don't worry, you don't need a perfect memory for it to work – emotional memory can be processed too. If you, like me, find some memories to be unclear, impressionistic, or vague, it's a huge help. Now back to Sarah...

A second thing you can do to feel more confident in navigating community building is to develop your unhealthy people radar. If you can spot danger more effectively, it saves you a lotta time and helps your nervous system out.

I’ll do another post on that, but in the meantime, here are some resources for you to check out:

• Podcast: Navigating Narcissism

• Book: When Narcissism Comes to Church

• Book: Five Types of People That Will Ruin Your Life

Even if you’ve been abused, betrayed, manipulated, or had community turn its back on you, the truth is that with the strength of the Lord, you can rebuild. He wants to help you rebuild.

But it may start with you going first.

How to Start Going First:

Welcome to the highly practical section of this blog post. Let’s dive in.

01/ Mindset Shifts:

• You gotta be okay with God bringing unexpected people into your life.

• They may not be exactly your age – hola intergenerational friendships.

• Open yourself up to different kinds of relationships.

  • Most of us limit ourselves to:

    • Friends

    • Romantic Partner

    • Mentor

  • But here are some other categories:

    • Older sister

    • Lighter friend

    • Collaborator (yes, on projects, but in a way that builds each of y’alls souls up)

• Be cool with people coming from a different background

• If you’re stuck in feeling like “Why would anyone want anything to do with me?” guess what? You’re leaking that out of your head into your body language. People can feel it. And they don’t want to approach that. 

• You gotta be okay disappointing people. Unhealthy people will be mad when you leave. You've got to leave anyway.

02/ Emotional Shifts:

• Recognize all that fear and shame, pay attention to it, and move accordingly either through it (once you’ve discerned its origins) or to a place of safety.

• You gotta allow your body to feel the “gosh, I don’t know this person…” and keep getting to know them anyway. I don’t know if feeling “mystery” is a "registered" emotion. So far it’s not. But the sensation is a thing. You have to keep curiosity on board to work through it.

03/ Behavior Shifts:

• Start conversations. Say "hi." It doesn't have to be a deep dive right away.

• Offer coffee or lunch with a specific time block in a public area (if the vibes get wack, you’ve got an easy out).

• Create rhymes of connection, and don’t expect to immediately be besties. Sometimes in the absence of community we come on too strong and demand too much connection and too much time upon finding someone.

• Text first.

• Follow up.

• Join a group activity without knowing anyone there.

• Don't be petty. Unless someone is pathologically mistreating you, be willing to extend grace.

• Put. The. Phone. Down. 

There. And all the introverts said “…..okay…..” at ten octaves up. But you'll be okay! And believe me, it's worth it.