God, Nothing in My Life is Working

“It makes sense you’re depressed.”

I must have made a face upon hearing this statement, because my best friend added: “Oh yeah, I said depression.” Everybody needs a friend who’s equal parts sass and affection.

Welcome to the final installment of our mini-series, “Dear God, This Is Not What I Was Expecting.” If you’ve hung with us over the last month, we’ve talked about freaky fish, irritating monkeys, and the life lessons that come from facing the unexpected. We’ve gone at it from the angles of theology, psychology, and creativity.

Now, it's Jumanji week, as we are entitling it. Let’s pull it all together for a case study. And we shall use my embarrassing self.

A Case Study in “The Unexpected”

All of the unexpected things we’re going to look at are fresh. Straight out of the last 12 months of my life. And that means they still hurt. Corralling my thoughts about them feels like wrangling cats.

So I’m going to bring it all together under the one big idea that’s been holding me together:

If it is not good, it is not the end.

I really believe this statement. It hinges on God’s involvement in human history, a “story” that extends far beyond one lifespan or millennia. It’s a meta-narrative so much bigger and more beautiful than any single age of history.

And when the final page turns, we and all of creation will experience the reconciliation of heaven to earth, the healing of all things, and the expulsion of evil forever! All will be good.

And the belief that “if it is not good, it is not the end” is meant to give us hope.

But What if Everything Sucks?

2025 started off strong in January with a really unexpected, painful romantic disappointment.

Strike one.

In March, I realized that everything about my life was stuck. It seemed reasonable that moving to a new place would be a great way to get unstuck! I landed a new job, sold everything I owned, loaded my massive beast of a dog in my SUV, and drove three days from New Mexico to Virginia.

Now that should fix everything! New community, new job, new opportunities… Life was going to finally work!

Don’t judge my naivety. I was desperate, okay?

Turns out, the corporate world makes my soul hurt. Humid summer days in Virginia make me long for the 100+ degree dry heat of home.

And making friends in a new city? Let’s just say six months has gotten me almost nowhere.

Strike two.

To make matters even worse, my chronic illness decided to stop going easy on me. Unable to get my medication for several months, my symptoms decided to have a party. And for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to acknowledge that I really am ill.

Strike three.

Things couldn’t get much worse. But I was going to fix it. I was going to make something work.

Curled up on my bedroom floor one night, I told God how unhappy I was with my entire situation. And he said, “You are resisting everything I am trying to do in your life right now.”

I was confused. What could that possibly mean?

Strike Four: The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back

Then, the most unexpected thing of the year happened.

It was a particularly brain-fogged, not-feeling-so-good Sunday morning. I was dragging my sickly self to church, and the on-ramp I needed was unexpectedly closed.

I’m new enough to this city to be seriously thrown by that. While frantically trying to understand the “detour” signs, I accidentally blew through a red light — never even saw it. But I did see the blue Toyota Corolla…

There was a loud bang! My beloved SUV spun to the side, and then for a weightless millisecond, hovered on two wheels. When it tipped over and the window shattered, I felt the sting of the side airbag.

And I had one thought.

Dang it! Now I have to deal with insurance!

So my priorities aren’t great.

My life didn’t flash before my eyes. I didn’t think about how I could be maimed or mangled…

I was just annoyed. You were supposed to just be “out” after strike three. But there I was. Strike four.

The car rolled onto the roof, skidding and spinning like a top down the asphalt. When everything finally stopped, I was hanging upside down, a trickle of spilled tea running down my forehead, and glasses still on like nothing had happened.

People rushed to my aid. Within what seemed like seconds, I heard people calling to me, asking my name, making sure I was okay. It took a while to convince them I was actually uninjured before they finally cut the seatbelt, and I crawled out of the wreckage.

I walked away from the accident with a tiny scratch on one finger, a sore arm, and a mild concussion that wore off in a week. Definitely a miracle!

But I didn’t really see it that way.

God, Nothing in My Life is Working

Losing the car felt like getting kicked while I was down.

Yes, I was grateful I survived an accident that should have killed, or at the very least, seriously injured, me. I was grateful my insurance company gave me more than I ever hoped for the car. And I was grateful to find out one of the men who helped me goes to my church, so I got to thank him in person later.

But deep down, I was seething with resentment. This year felt like death by a thousand paper cuts. Just one of these major things is a big deal. And each one came with a plethora of smaller frustrations, disappointments, logistics, dead-ends, and heartaches.

I internalized the belief, “nothing in my life is working.”

Waging War on My Life

Something I’ve recently learned about myself is that I have a strong “fight” response. It’s subtle but forceful. I never recognized it because I thought having a fight response meant you threw rage fits.

But when the car upended, fight kicked in high gear. Turn off engine, check that the hot liquid on my face is tea not blood, open door, get someone to cut the seatbelt, have someone call bestie, make sure the other driver’s okay, go to the ER for a checkup, call insurance, fill out paperwork…

It’s a very methodical but forceful “fix it” response. And if I’m really honest, it’s a control response. I don’t take the fight to people — except that one time, and they deserved it — but I’ll fight anything and everything to make sure things turn out right.

And by “right,” I mean “safe.”

I’ve been doing it my entire life. I’ve been over functioning and controlling and striving to feel safe for as long as I can remember.

And it didn’t stop this year. I fought my new job. I fought my diagnosis. I fought being in a new place. I fought on every front there is because I believed, deep down, that if I don’t fight for me, no one will.

When you’ve had one unexpected thing happen after the other, and you try to fight all of them? You’re bound to, one day, realize that you can’t fight them.

Enter depression.

My best friend was absolutely right. I was — am — depressed. And honestly, that’s okay. My pastor likes to say, “The appropriate response to depressing things is depression.”

But what is not okay is the unbelief. Believing that “nothing in my life is working” hides a darker belief that “nothing will ever work — and God’s promises are void.”

A dangerous belief indeed.

Responsibility + Surrender

Remember how God told me, “You’re resisting everything I’m trying to do in your life right now?”

Besides being an admonition to chill the heck out, it’s a hopeful statement. It’s evidence that he is working in and through my circumstances. I have not been fighting the situation, I’ve been fighting him.

That’s a sobering realization.

I think it’s easy to look at our lives and see wreckage. He looks at all the unexpected, broken things and sees building materials.

No, he’s not asking you or me to give up. Releasing control doesn’t mean forfeiting responsibility. It means taking responsibility to do the next steps and leaving the results up to him.

Surrender + responsibility.

Having Hope Despite the Unexpected

We’re all about being practical around here, so let’s close out with some possible next steps. I don’t know your personality or situation, so I’m not going to give you a formula for how to have hope despite the unexpected.

I will share what God has me doing, practically, right now:

• Grieve this really crappy year. A lot of times, depression is the result of unprocessed pain.

• Practice gratitude. Gratitude is a biblically-based, science-backed way to shift perspective in powerful ways.

• Focus on healing my chronic illness. It’s hard to handle the unexpected in a healthy way when your body is in major distress.

• Chill out about work. This job isn’t forever and is honestly not bad.

• Stop ideating about how I’m going to get the perfect, safe life I long for, and let him work in the life I have right now.

Basically, almost all of my “to-dos” from the Lord right now involve me choosing to lay down my fight response. Which is a lot harder and scarier than I’d like to admit. It’s a leap of faith to let him fight for me when I’m scared.

But for you? Maybe flight is your normal response, and your challenge is to stop running. Maybe freeze is your natural, and God’s actually asking you to throw a punch. And if you’re not sure, ask him.

Life is full of the unexpected, but what you can expect is that YAHWEH is with you. You don’t have to face it alone.

And remember, if it is not good, it is not the end.